Starkiller? You're killing me!
Yes, you. You sick git. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's stargate by Baviasi to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my Apoc. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the Apoc was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Apoc to a mining op.
Because the Apoc was immobilized I got a £35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the repair shop (£45) where they replaced the sparkplugs (£50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crank. As an engineer and former Quincey fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid £100 for YOUR crankpipes, and I get angry again.
Starkiller, it was really good to have my Apoc back though. I fly home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crankpipes and tape them to my Apoc as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the shuttles for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.
But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Starkiller. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crankpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Starkiller? You just had to come back for more.
This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my Apoc violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from Tash.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for Caldari sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Tash hardware store. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 32) it still cost me £22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Starkiller, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."
OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Starkiller, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crank. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,
YOU ARE A CRANKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRANKPIPE?
I am an animal breeder. Do you ever see me shaking down bums to get my breeding supplies? No, you don't. Because animal science is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a test tube. The main thing you do is crank. How do you get by without a crankpipe? The other crankheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crankpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?
Please, Starkiller, please don't tell me you sold your crankpipe to buy crank. Even a stupid crankhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.
I've decided that taping crankpipes to my Apoc would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Starkiller - specifically Baviasi Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of Moose Engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.
Here are my options as I see them:
1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my Apoc at night. You can thank Alex for that one, it was his idea.
2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Starkiller. Don't fool yourself.
3. Wait in an alley near my Apoc armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Tash Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.
In conclusion, Starkiller, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crankpipe? It will both enhance your crank smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.
*** If you are not the Crankhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***
I dont need a crankpipe my heads gone funny trying to read that.
strang has that effect on ppl - still a classic post tho
QUOTEI am not a large man, but I am angry.